The Plan

So here’s the plan.

Go to school. Finish school as fast as I can.

Literally, as fast as I can.

Honestly if I really took as many classes as I could during the two semesters, summer, AND winter… I save about a year’s work.

Plus CLEP’ing out of all the basic courses, almost another year or at least semester gone.

And then my parents and I comprised a deal.

6 months before I graduate, if I have the money, I can get married.

Oh. My. Allah.

So then, even if I do graduate in 2 years, I get a 6 month leniency, so literally only 1 year and about a half if I’ve done that in my head correctly.

Wow.

School isn’t a problem, and money isn’t a problem.

What the problem is, is distractions.

Honestly, the only thing keeping me, you, and everyone who WANTS to do something, is these distractions around us that just discourage us from doing things.

And in the end, only 1 or 2 people actually do what they intend to do, because they had that super state of mind.

I don’t understand why people have such a pessimistic view on life.

Not just non-Muslims, even Muslims. Subhanallah, even we’re being controlled by our environment.

It’s just the smallest things.

For example, let’s say I want to marry a girl who isn’t from my culture.

IMMEDIATELY, the thoughts start to pop up in people’s heads.

“Nah… Raheel honestly, just don’t do that, it’s not gonna work out dude…”

And then they go on to give the most ridiculous reasons.

“Well I mean, they don’t speak the same language… they were brought up differently… they’re parents might not want someone from outside their culture…”

Yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah nonsense words going into my ear and out the other.

You see, I don’t think by the “logical” rules that society has placed into me.

I could care less what the chances of something happening are.

This is because in the end, it all comes down to Allah. That’s it.

Whether I marry a desi, arab, hispanic, italian, whatever. It doesn’t matter.

I’m either going to marry them, or not. Simple.

In my mind, I believe I will marry this person. Nothing anyone says can hinder that outlook. Why don’t other people have this outlook on things, I don’t know.

You place your trust in Allah. You ask for what you want, insha’Allah you get what you want. If not, then that is what’s best for you.

Say you like this girl. OK my plan is to like her and propose to her in 2 years, that’s fine.

But in the end, if she says no to your proposal, then that’s what’s best. Why be sad?

Is it pain of rejection? That’s probably the biggest case, but subhanallah just try and understand.

It doesn’t matter, because it was written that it would happen. It was written you would or wouldn’t marry this person, why be so hard on yourself?

Yes of course human emotion is there, it’s something that’s inherent and we don’t really have a big control over it, but how long can you sit around moping over something that was MEANT to befall you?

This is what I believe.

I believe that I can marry @#)($*)@#_) because I can. That’s it. I’ll put in the effort, take the first step, then put my trust in Allah. It’s either yes, or no.

I believe I can make money while in college having no job. Yes, I have to put in a lot of effort for it, take the first step, then put my trust in Allah. Either I will get a lot of money or a little money, I still believe I can do it. That’s it.

I believe I can finish school in 2 years. Put in the effort, take the steps, study and put my trust in Allah.

In the end, it’s either going to happen or not.

I don’t believe I was destined to sit around all day learning useless stuff for the first 21 years of my life.

There’s something more to be done.

There’s something missing.

Something I NEED to be doing.

But without this mega-distraction of woman, and without being married, I can’t take the next step.

Once that distraction is out of the way, it’s on to just bigger and better things.

I look at marriage as the most beautiful thing that life has to offer. After that it’s children. Why do people not want to get married?

Is it because there’s more freedom when you’re single?

I’d rather be a slave to my wife than have “freedom.”

Freedom to do what? Go hang out with your friends? Go play some games? What freedom?

The wife is the best game you could ever play. You put so much effort into it. SO MUCH.

Oh my Allah so much effort. You deny all other games. I don’t want this temporary dating game, I don’t want that one-night stand game, NO. I want THIS game. The marriage game.

THE ULTIMATE GAME.

I have to PAY to play the game. I have to pay monthly. That’s how fracking good it is. And even BEFORE I pay monthly, I have to actually BUY the game.

And it’s not just a pathetic 50 bucks, this is like half my savings account we’re talking. Just to play this game.

Man but you know what they say, you reap what you sow. Put the most effort into a marriage and see what you’ll get out of it…

10 percent of the time =)

Spoiled

I feel I have to get this out there because I really just need to write it down somewhere.

I need to get out of here.

I’m not talking about dying, I’m talking about my house.

I need to leave. Honestly.

I really don’t know if people have it like me.

For example, it’s the last 10 days of Ramadan. Days you really should be in the masjid praying all night. These days aren’t going to come for another year. If I died after this Ramadan, these days were it.

Yet I can’t go to the masjid. The masjid which is literally 2 minutes from my house. Not even there. Why?

Is it because I don’t want to? Of course not. To be honest I’d want to live in a masjid for a long period of time.

So what is it then?

My parents.

Alhamdulillah I love my parents and I know for a fact they love me much more than I could imagine.

But there’s a problem.

There comes a time in every child’s life where he has to grow. He needs to go out and learn on his own, become his own person, blossom into what he’s destined to be.

Parents, usually from the subcontinent, don’t want their children to leave them, no matter what.

Even in just going to hang out with some friends. My parents, whenever I would be out really late, would always stay up and wait for me just to come home.

And look at me, I don’t even do that when they come back from a gathering or whatever.

I remember when I moved into the dorms at the University. Alhamdulillah I cherish last year so much.

I can’t begin to understand how much I loved staying in those dorms.

Yes there were times when I hated it, but you have to think for a second. Before I was in the dorms, I was not the person I am today.

I was screwing around, had no idea what the purpose of life was or what I wanted to do. I thought life was just about women, drugs, and friends.

That’s it.

No plan in my head. No belief system. Nothing.

Then I came to the University. Alhamdulillah x10.

I remember my mother crying when she had to leave me in my dorm room. Of course she wasn’t crying uncontrollably, she was laughing because she knew she was going to cry. Subhanallah, but I would never want to see her cry when she would be alone, I think my heart would crack in two pieces.

But look at what came from this experience.

Living on campus, I was alone. From the early mornings and the late nights, all by myself.

And when I didn’t have this dependency on my parents, when I was completely by myself, I started thinking.

Was I meant to do this my whole life? Why the heck am I alive?

I started to take walks at night. 1:00 to almost 4:00 in the morning sometimes. I still wasn’t even praying at this point, but I was thinking to myself.

The wheels started to turn. One step, then another step, then another.

Alhamdulillah, whoever Allah guides, none can misguide. Whoever wanted to be better, sincerely in their hearts, Allah sent help.

And help was sent to me, the night of November 5th, 2007, at 10:00 PM.

Only one person. One person who magically, out of NOWHERE came to save me from myself.

I honestly believe Allah sent this person as my guide. Subhanallah I love him and his family just as they are my own, they’ve had the biggest impact in my life up until today.

This one person, just ONE person. I don’t think you can understand the miracle in this one event which changed my life unless you were me.

I didn’t know what I was doing. I sincerely wanted help. I DIDN’T EVEN ASK ALLAH for help. I just wanted it in my heart. And then look what happens.

One person, out of nowhere. One night. Says he wants to talk to me, 3rd floor of the UC.

Says to write down what I want to do, what goals do I have, what SHOULD I be doing. I remember CLEARLY what I wrote.

And the one thing I wrote in caps was this.

“PRAYER. WHY DON’T I DO THIS.”

Subhanallah. Subhanallah x100.

I want to change. Allah sent help. A miracle. I will honestly call that a miracle.

God, I love Allah for sending you, and I love you too alhamdulillah, and your family. Insha’Allah I want my kids to know you and your kids.

So now I sit here, trying to understand what the heck I was doing in my life before that night. It just amazes me. Subhanallah x10.

And you know what they say, you don’t miss something until it’s gone.

And MAN, do I miss living on campus by myself.

No 1 hour traffic just to get to school, no worries about gas, you become responsible for yourself entirely.

And now I’m back here. Home. The place where I can’t do anything once more.

Why can’t I go to the masjid, in the last 10 days of Ramadan, when I’m going to be awake anyways?

Because my parents don’t want me to. Simple. That’s it.

It’s a very, very difficult concept for my friends to understand. I can’t understand it either, I really doubt they would.

Oh I try to talk them out of it, believe me. You don’t know subcontinent parents until you actually live with them. I’m not saying all of them are like that, but it’s just this mentality that they have.

They love their kids so much, they don’t want to let us go.

I’m a weak person. I NEED to go. I NEED to take care of myself. I’m so TIRED of being dependent.

Please just let me cook my own food, wash my own dishes, clean my own laundry, iron my own clothes, pay my own gas.

Just let me go. Please.

I want to live alone, but more preferably with one brother or a couple of brothers.

I need to grow stronger. Mentally and spiritually. And maybe physically, hehe.

I’m tired of being looked at like a kid. Why couldn’t I have been sent to boarding school or something. It’s weird I would want something like that, but I CAN’T live here.

I’m surrounded by all this STUFF.

Right now I’m in a room which has all this random stuff in it. If I sold everything in this room I would probably have enough money for mahr and a nice ring. Well, considering the family doesn’t want 10,000 for their daughter.

I want a simple life. I’m a spoiled brat, honestly. Completely spoiled.

I thank Allah for all this stuff, but this stuff also blinded me from seeing the truth.

That was my test I guess.

You see how I went from this house to some random dorm to fend for myself, and emerged a whole new person?

Just my environment moved me to do that. Alhamdulillah x100.

I want an apartment. I don’t want fancy things. I don’t want TV. Honestly I’d probably need a computer because that’s how the world works now, but that’s really the only technology I’d need besides electricity and lights in the house.

Don’t need fancy furniture, don’t need all these random paintings, don’t need random mirrors, don’t need an alarm system, don’t need 500 dollar carpets on the floor, don’t need flower pots, don’t need couches that I don’t even sit on in some random room I rarely go into, don’t need 50 dollar cushions for couches, don’t need a piano that’s out of tune that no one plays on, I don’t need a car I’m never going to drive.

I DON’T NEED ANY OF THIS STUFF.

Honestly, I don’t even need my guitars except for one. Actually wait, that’s my mentality talking again, I don’t even need guitars. More distractions. Distraction distraction distraction. Guitar only when I’m married.

But seriously, I don’t like this environment anymore. It’s too much. It’s just helping shaitan win in my head.

I want to get out. I need to get out. But obeying your parents is what’s best, so that’s what I’ll do.

Insha’Allah there’s big reward, but right now all I can do is make du’a. Make du’a that I make lots of money with this idea and am able to live off of it monthly.

Insha’Allah x1000.

What A Marriage Wants

How do men think? How do women think? What does a marriage need?

Men are like women as well. We have heightened senses of being the “alpha male” at times in our lives, so we send out this frequency higher than most males. This is called the “howl of despair.”

It’s our testosterone talking. Many expressions of love, conversations you may overhear, almost anything about marriage is usually stemmed from the sexual part of our brains.

And since we don’t get married early, we put up with all the fitnah in our lives and try to get it drained out somehow. This is why men tend to talk about something related to women about 90% of the time we’re around other men.

There is a theory that every Muslim man has, called “The Meter Theory.” There are two mental meters we have, one meter is called the “fitnah” meter, and one the “marriage” meter.

Through time, we accumulate many units of fitnah, which are stored in our fitnah meter. Then when going through the process of realization that we are supposed to stay away from haram/fitnah, these units of fitnah are converted into marriage units, which are then stored in our marriage meter.

This process, known as “fitnah drain,” can happen a number of ways. Through conversation, self-reflection, expression through writing, etc. Many men have different ways of going through the process.

Throughout our lives these two meters have much activity, up until the point where we do become married.

At that point, all the hundreds of thousands of marriage units begin to get used. Some men have more than others, but eventually the marriage meter boils down to a certain flat line after nearly all the marriage units have been used.

Now, when the meter flat lines, we attain the stage referred to as “unconditional,” where a married couple still have love for one another, yet it is the lowest level of the relationship in terms of love.

And then as time progresses, the marriage meter begins to balance out and rarely peaks to high amounts. A certain range of love is then defined.

It gets pretty complicated if I go into detail, so I’ll just stop there. That should be enough information to understand how our brains work with women fitnah.

Moving on, men have the inherent nature embedded in them since birth, to look for the opposite sex.

This is the same for females, but the mental power is much stronger with the male.

In reality, it is a subconscious effect on our minds to look at a woman who is showing some skin. It is not that we want to look, of course we don’t want to, but we have no control over it.

This is most likely happening when a Muslim guy is walking around, and suddenly closes his eyes or looks straight away at the ground, mouthing words, usually “Astaghfirallah,” maybe about 3 or 4 times in succession.

This is why it is said that the first look is allowed, because it is a SUBCONSCIOUS glance most of the time. Anything after this glance, and we rack up the sins.

First glances are the least of our problems, for there is a greater danger.

This danger is called the “soul stare.” In certain situations, the first glance with a woman and a man happens at the exact same time.

This millisecond “stare” literally has a physiological effect on us. From our hearts beating faster to that sickness in our stomach. It all depends on how intense the glance is.

It is the one thing Muslim men fear most, because it is the most intimidating thing a woman can ever do.

Going back to the howl of despair concept, it must be understood that many men do not understand the true responsibilities of marriage, even though they claim to know.

Knowledge and experience are two different games. You can be knowledgable about anything, but not turn it into action, which is basically meaningless knowledge.

So how are you supposed to know about the character of a man rather than his words?

Look at his family life. Look at his relationship with his mother, with his siblings. If this can’t be seen, look at his relationship with best friends, as well as people he doesn’t know that well, or people he just met.

If he treats his mother disrespectfully, how do you think he will treat his spouse in marriage?

If he treats his own sister/brother without any love, what do you think this says about his character?

A man is not a man until he loves his family more than he loves himself.

But still, for some reason, men fall for women and women still fall for men, even while knowing that they are not in the best position or the best OVERALL character.

Why does this happen?

Many a time people fall in love with something as small as a dimple, and make the mistake of falling in love with the person as a whole.

This is because we are hardwired in certain ways.

With men, we firstly look at beauty subconsciously, as I stated before. We then realize, through some means, that not all beautiful women are the best overall. We begin to understand that a woman stands for much more than her beauty, and represents many different characteristics we look for as well. With men, we tend to seek out women who mirror us. Their interests are also our interests, their perspectives are our perspectives, and this makes them much more attractive, which goes beyond looks.

With women, beauty is not so much a concern as it is with men. Women are naturally inclined to seek out the “alpha male,” or the person who is confident in himself. Confidence and arrogance are entirely different, and sometimes get mixed up accidentally. They also are inclined to the person who is uncaring, in a societal sense. A person who is adventurous, who does not worry about what people think of him. However, he also must possess the quality of security and protection. And lastly the most important quality, love.

Without this emotion, a woman cannot be taken care of. When men don’t love their wives anymore they won’t buy them all the expensive stuff they would have when they had just gotten married. This refers back to the meter theory, because when two people are married, the marriage meter starts off at the highest level it will ever be at. In this state, the man will honestly do whatever his wife wants, as long as he makes her happy.

So when the men are unhappy, they make the women unhappy.

If you want to bring the best out of your spouse, you better treat them like a diamond.

Marriage is a magnificent responsibility. It needs preparation.

Some of the things that drive us towards intimacy is the flesh, and once you get that desire out of the way, if you’re not prepared, you’re in trouble.

Take the illusion out of your head that your spouse will magically uplift your deen. First and foremost help yourself, be serious with yourself.

You can fool yourself, but you can’t fool Allah (SWT).

Let’s be honest, even if we memorized the whole Qur’an, we still need some money. How we get this money is not restricted based on simply education. Yes, be educated, have something you can fall back on, but don’t completely slave yourself to one outlet. There are tons of ways to make money. Money is more of a science than anything else, if you master the science of money, you make the money come to you.

Prepare your mind and spirit for the responsibility. Read about marriage. Read about how to provide and take care of and maintain a man/woman.

A woman needs to be maintained financially, spiritually, morally, and above all else, intellectually and emotionally.

The core of a relationship is communication.

The best husband is like the Prophet (S), the best wife is like Khadijah (RA).

Just look at the first woman created on Earth. Eve didn’t iron any clothes, or clean any house, because real marriage must go beyond the cultural framework of what people think marriage is.

Islam is family. If a woman’s mind is not cultivated in Islam, what will she teach her children? Nothing.

Men must have a clear understanding of “what IS” a woman. Women must have a clear understanding of “what IS” a man.

You can be female, and not be a woman. You can be a male, and not be a man.

The first spouse is the only one you really need, you just need to know how to get the best out of them.

And Allah knows best.

Mute

How can we not see? Able to listen, but deaf. Able to see, but blind.

Death is staring us in the face. The clock winding down, inevitable in every sense. And yet we lay around, moaning, despairing, arguing with ourselves.

The problem is in our heads, fighting over matters of no concern, rather than a purpose or a cause.

We’ve become lost. Lost in the sea of a dream, the American dream.

The vestigial memories stay with us. Can’t you feel the anger? The self-hatred? The depression? All for what?

Whatever was meant to happen, was meant to happen. There is no fix for this. It could never have been avoided, even if all of mankind and jinn were to try. So why be sad? All praise is due to Allah.

What would our lives be like without this? Before the stunning revelation of truth we once feigned to follow, our hearts feeling just as reluctant, slaves to the materialism of everything and anything that makes us happy.

Love, a complex word in itself, the societal definition of which obsesses appearance rather than mind, beauty rather than spirit, and skin rather than soul.

Money, the worthless physicality that mankind runs on, day by day, spending countless amounts for the evil which they so eagerly pretend to loathe.

For these reasons, life has become nothing but a simple game. Trivial matters which mean absolutely nothing.

Know that your time is now. It comes and goes, just as the pendulum swings, back and forth. We came from nothing into something, and will soon depart from something into nothing once again.

So be content with little, for life is nothing more than the deception of happiness and prosperity.

Indescribable

All my feelings and emotions manifested into one song. Epic.