What A Marriage Wants

How do men think? How do women think? What does a marriage need?

Men are like women as well. We have heightened senses of being the “alpha male” at times in our lives, so we send out this frequency higher than most males. This is called the “howl of despair.”

It’s our testosterone talking. Many expressions of love, conversations you may overhear, almost anything about marriage is usually stemmed from the sexual part of our brains.

And since we don’t get married early, we put up with all the fitnah in our lives and try to get it drained out somehow. This is why men tend to talk about something related to women about 90% of the time we’re around other men.

There is a theory that every Muslim man has, called “The Meter Theory.” There are two mental meters we have, one meter is called the “fitnah” meter, and one the “marriage” meter.

Through time, we accumulate many units of fitnah, which are stored in our fitnah meter. Then when going through the process of realization that we are supposed to stay away from haram/fitnah, these units of fitnah are converted into marriage units, which are then stored in our marriage meter.

This process, known as “fitnah drain,” can happen a number of ways. Through conversation, self-reflection, expression through writing, etc. Many men have different ways of going through the process.

Throughout our lives these two meters have much activity, up until the point where we do become married.

At that point, all the hundreds of thousands of marriage units begin to get used. Some men have more than others, but eventually the marriage meter boils down to a certain flat line after nearly all the marriage units have been used.

Now, when the meter flat lines, we attain the stage referred to as “unconditional,” where a married couple still have love for one another, yet it is the lowest level of the relationship in terms of love.

And then as time progresses, the marriage meter begins to balance out and rarely peaks to high amounts. A certain range of love is then defined.

It gets pretty complicated if I go into detail, so I’ll just stop there. That should be enough information to understand how our brains work with women fitnah.

Moving on, men have the inherent nature embedded in them since birth, to look for the opposite sex.

This is the same for females, but the mental power is much stronger with the male.

In reality, it is a subconscious effect on our minds to look at a woman who is showing some skin. It is not that we want to look, of course we don’t want to, but we have no control over it.

This is most likely happening when a Muslim guy is walking around, and suddenly closes his eyes or looks straight away at the ground, mouthing words, usually “Astaghfirallah,” maybe about 3 or 4 times in succession.

This is why it is said that the first look is allowed, because it is a SUBCONSCIOUS glance most of the time. Anything after this glance, and we rack up the sins.

First glances are the least of our problems, for there is a greater danger.

This danger is called the “soul stare.” In certain situations, the first glance with a woman and a man happens at the exact same time.

This millisecond “stare” literally has a physiological effect on us. From our hearts beating faster to that sickness in our stomach. It all depends on how intense the glance is.

It is the one thing Muslim men fear most, because it is the most intimidating thing a woman can ever do.

Going back to the howl of despair concept, it must be understood that many men do not understand the true responsibilities of marriage, even though they claim to know.

Knowledge and experience are two different games. You can be knowledgable about anything, but not turn it into action, which is basically meaningless knowledge.

So how are you supposed to know about the character of a man rather than his words?

Look at his family life. Look at his relationship with his mother, with his siblings. If this can’t be seen, look at his relationship with best friends, as well as people he doesn’t know that well, or people he just met.

If he treats his mother disrespectfully, how do you think he will treat his spouse in marriage?

If he treats his own sister/brother without any love, what do you think this says about his character?

A man is not a man until he loves his family more than he loves himself.

But still, for some reason, men fall for women and women still fall for men, even while knowing that they are not in the best position or the best OVERALL character.

Why does this happen?

Many a time people fall in love with something as small as a dimple, and make the mistake of falling in love with the person as a whole.

This is because we are hardwired in certain ways.

With men, we firstly look at beauty subconsciously, as I stated before. We then realize, through some means, that not all beautiful women are the best overall. We begin to understand that a woman stands for much more than her beauty, and represents many different characteristics we look for as well. With men, we tend to seek out women who mirror us. Their interests are also our interests, their perspectives are our perspectives, and this makes them much more attractive, which goes beyond looks.

With women, beauty is not so much a concern as it is with men. Women are naturally inclined to seek out the “alpha male,” or the person who is confident in himself. Confidence and arrogance are entirely different, and sometimes get mixed up accidentally. They also are inclined to the person who is uncaring, in a societal sense. A person who is adventurous, who does not worry about what people think of him. However, he also must possess the quality of security and protection. And lastly the most important quality, love.

Without this emotion, a woman cannot be taken care of. When men don’t love their wives anymore they won’t buy them all the expensive stuff they would have when they had just gotten married. This refers back to the meter theory, because when two people are married, the marriage meter starts off at the highest level it will ever be at. In this state, the man will honestly do whatever his wife wants, as long as he makes her happy.

So when the men are unhappy, they make the women unhappy.

If you want to bring the best out of your spouse, you better treat them like a diamond.

Marriage is a magnificent responsibility. It needs preparation.

Some of the things that drive us towards intimacy is the flesh, and once you get that desire out of the way, if you’re not prepared, you’re in trouble.

Take the illusion out of your head that your spouse will magically uplift your deen. First and foremost help yourself, be serious with yourself.

You can fool yourself, but you can’t fool Allah (SWT).

Let’s be honest, even if we memorized the whole Qur’an, we still need some money. How we get this money is not restricted based on simply education. Yes, be educated, have something you can fall back on, but don’t completely slave yourself to one outlet. There are tons of ways to make money. Money is more of a science than anything else, if you master the science of money, you make the money come to you.

Prepare your mind and spirit for the responsibility. Read about marriage. Read about how to provide and take care of and maintain a man/woman.

A woman needs to be maintained financially, spiritually, morally, and above all else, intellectually and emotionally.

The core of a relationship is communication.

The best husband is like the Prophet (S), the best wife is like Khadijah (RA).

Just look at the first woman created on Earth. Eve didn’t iron any clothes, or clean any house, because real marriage must go beyond the cultural framework of what people think marriage is.

Islam is family. If a woman’s mind is not cultivated in Islam, what will she teach her children? Nothing.

Men must have a clear understanding of “what IS” a woman. Women must have a clear understanding of “what IS” a man.

You can be female, and not be a woman. You can be a male, and not be a man.

The first spouse is the only one you really need, you just need to know how to get the best out of them.

And Allah knows best.