6 Things About Marriage

1.  You wake up and look at the person lying next to you and wonder, is this it? Forever?

I’ve always thought about this. When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy or girl, your soul mate, you’ll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he/she is, they don’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This isn’t what I signed up for.

Oh! But it is my love! You just didn’t realize it the day you were cramming wedding cake into each others faces! You had no idea that “for better and for worse” doesn’t kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That’s when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief.

2. You’ll probably work harder than you ever imagined.

Early on, when people tell me, “Marriage takes work,” I assume “work” means being patient when she forgot to make me coffee or something like that. In my naivete, I probably think that I’ll struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking.

If only it were that easy. Human beings are not simple creatures. We have mysterious, unplumbed depths, and from where your spouse sits, I’d say you’re pretty complicated too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned science or world geography. And getting married doesn’t mean you’re done, it just means you’ve advanced to graduate level studies. That’s because every time you think you’ve mastered the material, it’ll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

3. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

I think that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong, there is simply your way of looking at things and your spouse’s.

The more you get to know and appreciate your spouse for who he/she is, the more you respect their positions. That doesn’t mean you always agree with them. But there is a value in striking a balance that satisfies both partners. Instead of harping on how wrong your spouse is, you can try to swallow it up and just say, “I see your point” or “I hadn’t considered that.” After you sincerely acknowledge your spouse’s view, it seems to become easier for them to hear your own. And because you know you’re being heard, most of the time, you don’t even want to prove how right you are anymore. Funny how that works.

4. A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict, it means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

As important as it is to strike a balance, it’s also important to have a fight every now and then. Why do I say this? Because when you fight, you don’t just raise your voices, you raise real, and sometimes buried issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your spouse, and your relationship. The most important thing to understand is that no matter how much you fight, it will only make your marriage stronger. All you have to do is give it the room to grow.

5. You realize that you’ll only be able to change yourself.

We’ve all heard this one five million times but I can almost guarantee this will come up once more. There is a bit of that “makeover” fantasy in everyone. Just something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make them just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we’re doing the right thing.

Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. It is truly an impossible task. You will come to realize, sooner than later if you’re lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to your spouse rather than your past efforts

6. As you face your fears and insecurities, you’ll find out what you’re really made of.

Many of the deepest frustrations in marriage are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept, after all, it’s so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your spouse’s deficits and tell yourself that their short comings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage.

But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed marriage. You learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you learn to do so with your spouse.

That’s the strange beauty of marriage from my perspective. It’s definitely full of hard times and hard lessons that no book, person, or experience can ever prepare you for.

But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together and make your marriage stronger than when it began.

The only part is getting there. Insha’Allah.

On My Mind…

Inspired to do so by Hasan Goplani and his Goplani babiez. If you want to see his list go to http://clearout.name

What’s on my mind?

This list:

I only exist for one reason

The Matrix Trilogy was a lot more understandable once my entire perspective of the world changed.

I need to get on with my life.

I hate being stuck in school, and yet, that’s the only place worth going to.

I need to read more.

I need to find out what my calling is.

I wish I could go live as a villager in Japan my whole life.

I don’t care about anything as much as I care about my next phase in life.

I need to walk the walk.

I miss working because of the paychecks.

I don’t care what people think, except for a very select group of individuals.

I am not a conformist.

I love life, and hate it as well.

I was born to die, but I haven’t prepared for it.

I have the feeling hundreds of tests are on the way.

I have the feeling people will be dying off very soon.

I don’t understand how people can leave Islam after knowing the absolute truth.

I need to read tafseer.

I need to get married.

I don’t need to be reminded that marriage is a huge responsibility.

I don’t need to be told that I’m not ready when I already know that I’m not ready.

I want to go to MAS.

I need to go to MAS.

The only thing I like to talk about is life, plans, goals, marriage, and anything concerning those categories.

I like my major.

Reading about psychology is actually really interesting.

I want to skydive.

I want to jump off of a cliff into water.

I want to be in that white room in the Matrix and bring up whatever I want.

I want to be honored by Allah.

I want to be an instrument for the Ummah.

If I ever reach “that” level, I don’t want to be called a sheykh, imam, or mufti.

I want to make Arabic my primary language.

I want to dabke. LOL.

I want to sing indian songs to my wife.

I want more baklawa.

I want more baklawa, LOL.

I want to learn to play piano.

I want to help the starving kids in Africa.

I want to help the people who need my help.

I want to tell people they are idiots.

I want to get rid of my distractions.

In an awkward situation, I want to ask myself one day, what would Tyler Durden do?

I want to go super sayian.

I want to knock someone out.

I want to get knocked out.

I want to see something that no one else can see.

I want to live a day being blind.

I want to live a day being deaf.

I want to live a day being mute.

I want to live a day as a hobo.

I want her to read this.

I laugh when people get mad because there really is no reason to be mad.

I want to slap myself for every time shaitan tricks me.

I’m content with whatever I have.

I really believe it’s a miracle from Allah that I didn’t go to any other University.

I find it weird how people are looking at my face and listening to my voice on YouTube when I’m probably sleeping.

I want to be in control of my dreams.

I want to live in a masjid for a while.

I want to have lots of kids.

I want her mind and soul to be the most beautiful thing about her.

I want to make a movie.

I want to be an actor, but the cons outweigh the pros.

I want to be a musician, but the cons also outweigh the pros.

I want to travel to Italy, Spain, Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Paraguay, Venezuela, Australia, Russia, Syria, Lebanon, Turkey, Japan, China, South Africa, Egypt, and Canada.

I want to re-enact that scene on Titanic at the edge of a huge cruise ship with my wife.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs in agony.

I want to lead salat in a filled masjid.

I want to wear those really tight clothes the sheykhs who lead salat wear.

I want to hug the Kabah.

I want to be free.

I could keep going, but I think I’ll stop here. =)

Distractions and Dreams

We’re all just stuck in our own little worlds going to sleep, waking up to the exact same day doing the same stupid thing over and over and over again.

Has anyone actually stopped and said, wait… why am I at school again? Why am I learning something I don’t want to do? What do I want to do with my life?

You go to school for 4 years, thinking you’re going to come out of college, get a job, get married, and have kids.

That’s your life in a nutshell. Is there nothing more?

Does no one think outside the box anymore?

What you should really be thinking is: How will I be pleasing Allah through all this time?

Does Allah really want us to wither away for years just wasting our lives? I think not.

Look at Shaykh Abdul Aziz Bin Baz, he didn’t even have a degree, and yet who is he? One of the most renown Islamic scholars in the world today.

If you want to become something, don’t think you can, know you can.

There’s no such things as limits. The only limit is yourself.

I recently found out my family was all about overcoming limits.

My grandfather was the first certified doctor in Karachi during his time. He graduated with the highest marks in everything and went on to study all over the world.

My father came to the United States with nothing but 200 dollars in his pocket. He worked two jobs and started from scratch, and now look where he is.

My family is about overcoming limits. Maybe this is why I think like this too, must be in the blood.

Don’t think, just do.

Thinking immediately gives shaitan the heads up. When you make up your mind, you make up your mind. That’s it. No further questions.

Just go for it.

The biggest mistake we make is not in planning, the biggest mistake is when we don’t take the first step.

Why don’t we do that?

Fear of what people may think, fear of ourselves, fear of failure, fear of rejection, etc.

When you take these factors out of consideration, you can be whatever you want, because you honestly just don’t care anymore.

Strive to be like that.

It’s tough, I’m not at that level either.

But we have to remember that it’s not about us in the end, it never was.

It’s about what you intended to do.

Did you want to make a difference or did you want to be popular?

Did you do something for Allah or do something for a girl you like?

Distractions, distractions, distractions.

Think of what you want to do with your life to please Allah.

If you don’t know, ask Allah to guide you to that which you would be best at doing.

I want to write a book to help the Ummah try and understand what we have to get back to. We’ve lost sight of the core ideals of being a Muslim, as well as the foundation of the articles of faith.

In that same sense, I’d want to write a book for non-Muslims as well, completely from their perspective, as to how to live their lives in the most peaceful way they can.

More like self-help kinda stuff. Because honestly look at the world without Islam, and then look at this small minority at UH.

Who do you think leads much better lives? Us or them?

Someone needs to save those people from killing themselves.

I need to learn Arabic. I’m in the process of that right now but it’s really not going to work unless I’m trapped in a society where no one speaks English. I need implementation. That’s a life long goal as well so it doesn’t have a big role right now.

After that, becoming hafidh before I die, that way I’d spend my entire life memorizing Qur’an instead of just a few years, so when Allah asks me what I did with my life, I could answer that I memorized the Holy words of the Qur’an for the majority of it.

Helping people with their lives. I’ve noticed for some reason, people just like to talk to me about their problems. I don’t know what it is or why it happens, but I guess that’s just some random trait that was put into me, might as well make the most out of it.

I wouldn’t mind being a motivational speaker either, though I feel much more comfortable with talking with a few people rather than a mass majority. Speaking isn’t my strong point, but insha’Allah if Allah wills, that’d be cool too.

It’s interesting to see how most of these things all have to do with helping people. Then I guess that’s what I should be striving to do. Now I just have to figure out where to start.

Oh, and also finding the woman who can help me do these things. What is the point of marrying someone who won’t be able to literally ease the path of doing some of these things? Makes you think in a whole other perspective. Sure you may like some girl or some guy, but in the end, are they going to be helping you accomplish what you want in life? Then ask yourself why you really like them in the first place.

That’s a mindfrack.

This is it. It doesn’t matter what people think you’ve gone through, what kind of person you are, or even if people think you’re the worst person alive. What matters is what you believe in your heart that will please Allah.

If it’s not in your heart, then you have all the reason to worry.

The fact is, many of the people who criticize you will be criticized themselves on the Day of Judgment for, believe it or not, talking about you. So don’t let bad blood get between you and what you know yourself to be.

Being criticized is a sign of caring. People wouldn’t talk about you if they didn’t care in the least bit, people have many more things to talk about.

Look at it more as a chance to grow rather than something to bring you down.

Look at the world through the Islamic sunglasses. A vision of absolutely nothing. Plain Earth everywhere. Nothing to be remained except our own selves, naked. Skyscrapers, gone. Mountains, gone. Fields, grass, trees, gone.

This is the reality you must come to accept, but to do so fully, means to let go of what your mind has held you to accept based on societal values.

Overcome yourself. Never let anybody tell you that you can’t do something or be somebody. If you end up believing them, you’ve destroyed all the potential you once hoped to use.

You’ve got to let it all go.

Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.

Trust in Allah.

Mindfracked

Everywhere I go, I see you.

Am I dreaming or not?

Every situation, every instance, you cross the boundaries of what is real.

Your existence is taking up headspace.

I look at my mother and you’re talking with her, laughing.

I look to my side while driving and there you are, singing some random song which makes me smile.

I’m sitting down to eat my food and there you are next to me, complaining about desi food being so spicy.

I’m reading a book and you’re leaning on me, telling me not to turn the page until you’re done.

I’m sitting there after prayer, and I can feel your presence behind me.

You love indian movies and try to repeat the dialogue, and I laugh at every word while you punch me in the shoulder.

You love to talk about anything and everything, and I just sit back to watch you go at it.

Is this what it would be like?

Is this what you have to offer me?

Two souls, never having met, just like that?

Keep my mind occupied, I love every second.

You’re there but you’re not.

A projection only my mind has succeeded in bringing to life.

Anywhere I go, you’re with me, but you’re not.

A blessing or a curse, no matter, I’m content.

There you are, the happiest, most enthusiastic person I’ve ever met, but haven’t.

How you got here, I don’t know.

How you infiltrated my mind, I don’t know.

How you infiltrated my life, I don’t know.

What would you do if you ever found out it was you?

Would you be scared? Afraid? Weirded out how someone likes you this much, and yet you’ve never actually talked with them?

I haven’t felt like this in ages, maybe never in my life.

What is this?

How Allah could create such beauty inside one person, I don’t know.

But you make me smile, somehow.

=)

Eid

Alhamdulillah what a great Eid it was, moreso than I imagined this year.

However, let’s just talk about Eid salat for a minute.

Post Eid-salat was ridiculous to say the least. You had desi models, literally with like 5 million pounds of makeup on their faces, just walking around the same areas back and forth with their friends for 30 minutes.

Then you look at some of the brothers, and they do the same thing.

You can’t fool me or anyone else. You sure as heck aren’t fooling Allah.

Post Eid-salat is just a big eye candy rape fest. It’s not even possible to walk anywhere without getting those awkward glances.

Alhamdulillah though, many Muslims in one place, and many UNMARRIED Muslims in one place, what do you expect.

In other news, I have the entire family on my dad’s side here, excluding about 3 or 4 people. My dad’s 2 brothers and 4 sisters are all here, with all of their kids.

It’s like the Godfather’s family, honestly.

My cousins have brought a new light into my family, the light of converts.

One of my cousins married a white convert, his name is Michael. Alhamdulillah he’s one of the coolest family members in my extended family. He tries to learn a lot about Islam and it’s almost a jihad upon him and his wife to continue seeking knowledge.

Another cousin married a converted guy from Trinidad, his name is Don. Such a tight name. He’s a quiet type of guy but at the same time he’s also a very lively person if you talk to him. Him and my cousin already have a new born baby alhamdulillah, very cute. He also has this struggle with Islam and trying to practice more.

Another cousin who’s closer in age to me got married just 2 years ago to a girl who is a white convert, her name is Cindy. She’s a great person alhamdulillah, very shy but also very nice as well. They have a baby on the way insha’Allah.

I had a very deep talk with 3 of my cousins and Michael the other day about his situation.

He lives in Florida, his family is completely broken. One of his brothers has tried every drug in the book. He made another one of his brothers come with him down to Florida from Chicago because he was just being completely suicidal. He tried to help him out and get  him back on his two feet, but the guy just didn’t want to take any responsibility.

That brother is now married to an ex-married woman with 5 kids.

Subhan’Allah, Michael would tell me how different and how at peace he was with Islam, and looking at his family how desperately they needed his help and his religion.

Alhamdulillah I’ve gotten a very detailed inside look at how much converts  have to strive to be great Muslims.

The problem lies in our community.

Michael said he tried to fit in at his local masjid, but he was shunned out because of people giving him bad looks and whatnot, and also just all the politics that go on in the masjid.

He would talk to people who would immedately start telling him this is haram, don’t do this and that, etc. etc.

Is that any way to talk to a person who has complete basic knowledge of Islam?

Cindy doesn’t wear hijab, like most of my family, but is that even the first step to begin with?

I know many girls who wear hijab but have nothing in their heart for Islam. Most likely because they were forced to wear it and it has just become a habit for them.

Even if she’s covering herself, whatever is in her heart shows through her actions.

You would be surprised at how many girls WANT to wear hijab, but their parents don’t allow them to.

SubhanAllah, what have we come to?

I see all this potential in my family, so much liveliness and beauty, and then I see the dark side of it all. Stuff that doesn’t get talked about. Stuff I don’t even know that is kept from me.

If we aren’t united as a family and can’t talk about things, how is that a true family?

We can’t have this mentality of keeping people in the dark and discussing very important matters behind closed doors.

The one thing Michael told me when he is around us, is that he feels that everyone is trying to be someone else.

This is very true. When there are non-Muslims or converts around we tend to be on our best behavior, while other times we act completely different.

Wallahi this is hypocrisy.

I pray that these new generations of Muslims are able to get rid of the cultural boundaries of the past and emerge to be the greatest Muslims of our time.

I love my extended family.