Thank You

I’m glad it was understandable from your point of view.

Others would have probably ran like hell.

But you understood.

It’s not so much the pain as it is the eagerness. The drive that pushes me to do things, to write these words, to say things better left unsaid.

Continuously stabbed, time and time again because of this feeling.

Why do I do it? Why persist? I don’t know.

Just the lack of a need that has gone too long unfulfilled.

A need which was once easy to obtain, now almost utterly impossible.

Why?

Why do I try to justify it? Is there something wrong with me?

Is there something I’m missing?

I’ve tried endlessly, there’s no alternative. Nothing I can replace the longing with.

Nothing matches the feeling.

What can one do?

After all the years in darkness, all the things I still regret.

And then suddenly, a change. Something inside that longed for change. For purpose.

In order to fulfill the change, everything was let go.

Social life, pictures, videos, close friends, and the memories with special people.

I erased my identity.

Everything I held close, obliterated for this one purpose. An entire persona sacrificed for returning to the Truth.

But little did I know that when everything is obliterated, things must come as replacements.

Friends changed, environments changed. Another world laid itself upon my feet.

But there was no replacement for the empty heart.

Wandering aimlessly, not knowing what to do, memories from my former life started to haunt me.

The idea of desolation became unbearable.

And then, somehow, the heart felt alive again. For what specific reason, I still do not know.

Just a feeling. Something that drew me towards your soul.

And the feeling became words, and words became talk, and talk became action.

Until it became clear that I was blatantly blinded by emotion.

And another knife was pierced into the already empty heart.

Not as a wound, but as a lesson.

How I wish I could start over, to not have stepped in so deep.

To not have made it uncomfortable.

It is I who should be apologizing. An intrusion into the midst of your peaceful life.

Forgive me for trespassing. Forgive me for taking up head space.

I should have known the first stride would lead to many more.

It is entirely my fault, and you should not feel any sort of pity for me.

The perpetrator was an empty heart looking for rejuvenation.

And it did indeed find that feeling it had searched for so long once more.

Though it was short-lived, but no matter. I only wish things would go back to the way they were before, void of feelings.

Don’t worry, I understand. All the hope is gone now. I feel no pain or sense of hurt, it was expected to happen this way.

It’s too bad you will never read this. I wish you knew that it was as strange for me as it was for you.

And whatever befalls the believer is what is best for him.

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for allowing me to breathe again.

May Allah bless the one who attains you.