I’ve moved to this blog.

http://siraatullah.wordpress.com

I’m glad it was understandable from your point of view.

Others would have probably ran like hell.

But you understood.

It’s not so much the pain as it is the eagerness. The drive that pushes me to do things, to write these words, to say things better left unsaid.

Continuously stabbed, time and time again because of this feeling.

Why do I do it? Why persist? I don’t know.

Just the lack of a need that has gone too long unfulfilled.

A need which was once easy to obtain, now almost utterly impossible.

Why?

Why do I try to justify it? Is there something wrong with me?

Is there something I’m missing?

I’ve tried endlessly, there’s no alternative. Nothing I can replace the longing with.

Nothing matches the feeling.

What can one do?

After all the years in darkness, all the things I still regret.

And then suddenly, a change. Something inside that longed for change. For purpose.

In order to fulfill the change, everything was let go.

Social life, pictures, videos, close friends, and the memories with special people.

I erased my identity.

Everything I held close, obliterated for this one purpose. An entire persona sacrificed for returning to the Truth.

But little did I know that when everything is obliterated, things must come as replacements.

Friends changed, environments changed. Another world laid itself upon my feet.

But there was no replacement for the empty heart.

Wandering aimlessly, not knowing what to do, memories from my former life started to haunt me.

The idea of desolation became unbearable.

And then, somehow, the heart felt alive again. For what specific reason, I still do not know.

Just a feeling. Something that drew me towards your soul.

And the feeling became words, and words became talk, and talk became action.

Until it became clear that I was blatantly blinded by emotion.

And another knife was pierced into the already empty heart.

Not as a wound, but as a lesson.

How I wish I could start over, to not have stepped in so deep.

To not have made it uncomfortable.

It is I who should be apologizing. An intrusion into the midst of your peaceful life.

Forgive me for trespassing. Forgive me for taking up head space.

I should have known the first stride would lead to many more.

It is entirely my fault, and you should not feel any sort of pity for me.

The perpetrator was an empty heart looking for rejuvenation.

And it did indeed find that feeling it had searched for so long once more.

Though it was short-lived, but no matter. I only wish things would go back to the way they were before, void of feelings.

Don’t worry, I understand. All the hope is gone now. I feel no pain or sense of hurt, it was expected to happen this way.

It’s too bad you will never read this. I wish you knew that it was as strange for me as it was for you.

And whatever befalls the believer is what is best for him.

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for allowing me to breathe again.

May Allah bless the one who attains you.

So there’s no internet here. I can only use this connection for a certain amount of time.

The things I saw yesterday night were saddening.

We came to Denver because my grandmother, my father’s mother, had a stroke.

If you don’t know much about strokes, I’ll sum it up for you. A stroke can affect either the left side of your brain or your right side, it damages the brain.

I forgot the specifics, but if it hits one of the sides of your brain, you die, because that side controls your heart and vital organs.

If it hits the other side, a whole part of your body is paralyzed for a while, and you have to go through rehab and therapy to fix yoruself back up.

That is what happened to my grandmother.

She’s sitting there, in the hospital, like a vegetable.

She can’t express feelings, or even talk. To make things worse, she doesn’t even know english.

All she can do is look around. I think she can hear as well.

When I first came in and looked at her I smiled, and her eyes started tearing up.

What can you do in that situation? She’s been there for at least a month and a half, just lying there, alone.

SubhanAllah it’s such a reality check. The fact that we’re all going back alone.

All she’s left with now are her thoughts.

Insha’Allah I’m going to put this current story I’m writing off to the side and start a new one.

Some of it will be based on actual events and some won’t, but I think this will be a lot better for reality to hit people rather than a jinn story.

Please make dua for my grandmother.

Im gonna buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside me and watch the orange glow
Some will laugh and some just sit and cry
But you just sit down there and you wonder why

So Im gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Im gonna buy this place, thats what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head

Honey, all the changes you’re starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace

And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
As you mean to go on
As you mean to go on

So meet me by the bridge, or meet me by the lane
When am I going to see, that pretty face again?
Meet me on the road, meet me where I said
Blame it all upon a rush of blood to the head

Well one of my duas weren’t accepted.

I poured olive oil into the pot and put the stove on high. Bad idea.

The olive oil started popping like crazy. I thought it was just normal, but soon I would learn my lesson.

Specks of olive oil started to shoot at me from the pot. It was like getting shot repeatedly by little men.

Repeated screams of “AH!” and “OW!” were among my many lines during the attack.

Finally, I was able to reach the temperature knob of doom and turn it down to low.

But yes, what an epic journey it was.

Alhamdulillah my chicken rocked.

In other news, looks like I won’t be able to go to MAS, my favorite event of all time this year. I’ll be in Denver once again in the cold, freezing snow, for a week. At least I get to snowboard.

Maybe I’ll get to come by on Saturday but I doubt that.

I’ll just have to get ready for TDC this year, especially since it’s the last one.

Or is it?

Insha’Allah my entire family is gonna be going, and I think my sister will volunteer with me as well.

Alhamdulillah, I’m glad the semester is coming to an end, can’t wait till spring.

Although all those online classes do seem like too much, I think it’ll be better in the end.

To be honest, I’ve been getting kind of tired of UH.

The drive itself is ridiculous, and then the gas on top of that.

MSA isn’t doing much anymore either, especially for the brothers. All we have is Thursday night sports and… that’s it?

There aren’t any actual halaqas, at all. The most we get is the Friday halaqas and that’s it, and alhamdulillah Ghulam does a great job.

MSA should really be doing more. All we do is one or two big events, and then that’s it. Everything after those two events are just dawah efforts or have something to do with the dawah table.

Kinda worthless when I think about it. What is the purpose of MSA then?

We don’t really invite other people to MSA, and even when we do, everyone on campus feels that MSA shuts out all other Muslims, such as the non-hijabis, or brelvi desis.

Stupid. Our MSA list has almost 200-300 people on it, yet only 15-20 people show up to the meetings.

You would think at the college level, MSA should become a little more than just Friday jummah’s, like it was in high school.

I think it all just leads back to the whole MSA vibe where we scare people off, and that “air” in the religion building where we pretend the other gender doesn’t exist.

Like a sister said before, gender relations workshops would be cool to have, and I’d be all for that, but I don’t think the people in MSA would agree, which I find hilarious.

Kheir, it’s all good. I have a feeling that over the next few years the MSA will most likely change.

I’m glad I’m taking a break.

I’ve been waiting for this day.

Yes, today is the day.

For the first time in my life I will proceed, against my better judgment, to make dinner for my family. Alone, by myself, in the kitchen.

And not just any dinner, an exquisite karhai chicken dish.

If I pull it off, this will be the most unique recipe ever, only to be passed down from generation to generation in the years to come, completely secret.

My bloodline recipe, yes.

All online classes next semester, 20 hours insha’Allah. Never have to go to University, except maybe for MSA. More time to become pro at cooking, pro at cleaning, pro at Qur’an, pro at deen, pro at life.

Plus no super-uber-get-out-of-my-head distractions at University, as well as not spending money on gas, not to mention spending money on outside food.

Yes… must learn the art of food insha’Allah.

May Allah keep my hands steady, my fingers from getting chopped off, and not allowing me to burn myself. Ameen.

May Allah put barakah in my karhai chicken. Ameen.

Chapter 2 soon.

My thoughts haunt me. Day to day, left questioning, left waiting.

Looking at the skies, I can’t help but wonder, when?

When will it all end? When will the mountains crumble into nothingness?

When will the sun shift my shadow 180 degrees?

When?

When will the injustice stop?

When will the killings end?

I see the moon and wish I could be there, looking at this circle.

This planet we call “home.”

A place where the smallest trifles make up most of our lives and waste our precious time.

A place where nothing matters.

How I wish to just sit there, looking from a distance, at all the meaningless struggles.

How worthless it makes us seem.

So small in comparison to what lies beyond.

My experiences, my memories.

My life.

It all seems surreal. A kind of lucid dream.

So when will I wake up?

When?

Will I leave my mark on the world?

Will I be a stepping stone for humanity?

I feel numb to everything.

Happiness is deception. Sadness is deception. Anger is deception.

All which distracts the purity of what I must come to focus upon.

I am not here to give speeches.

I am not here to write love letters.

I am not here to waste my time.

The human mind can only process what the fitrah has endowed into it.

Feelings of joy are inherent. The wonders a smile can do to a person.

Feelings of sadness are inherent. The responsiveness of rejection. Of being hated. Ignored.

What can one do?

The peace and tranquility awaits me.

I’ve been longing for my return.

Every moment of opening my eyes to another day reminds me that I am trapped once more.

Imprisoned.

A paradise I can easily throw myself into. Lavish in its luxury.

And yet, I refuse to do so. Why?

The eternal truth is there. Undeniable in every sense.

The purpose to exist, written, right there.

To accept it means to be the prisoner.

To follow it means to understand the soul.

To abide by it means the promise of the beauty of what is to come.

Never forget the purpose.

The reason.

Externally, I feel… counterfeit. Fabricated.

A mock representation. Something I am not.

I did not choose this body. Nor the skin color, the facial structure, the eyes. Not even the nails.

And yet, deep within, lies something.

Something so imaginative… creative. An inspiration to my own self.

A substance which never ceases to keep me going.

A spirit which lacks the understanding of giving up.

It pains me at times. It feels the need to jump out at the most inconvenient notice.

It wants to help. It wants to feel. It wants to comfort, to love, to free people from misery, anxiety, and remorse.

It wants to correct the incorrect. Right the wrong. Connect to that which behaves as it behaves.

But where to find such an essence?

Is it only one of its kind?

Many are trapped in their own minds.

Their souls are not allowed to roam. Thus, life is a mere movie for them, stuck on play.

How it longs to return… the spirit within me.

Back to the source… back home.

This feeling… words cannot describe. The pain it gives me in the night, hoping for release.

The day will come, but the question remains.

When?

When will I set out, amongst the rest?

When will I finally be free?

Free of this place… this world, this reality?

It doesn’t know if it can take much more.

Understand that hope is the lifeblood of the soul.

Without hope, we are lost in the covers of darkness.

That hope resides within all of us.

We strive day to day, wondering, wishing, pleading for a way out, for a life we dream about.

You must come to realize that this life is not attainable here. It never will be.

The happiness will come, the sadness will come. It is inevitable.

But so is the final destination. Where I long to go. Where it longs to go.

Where the path ends.

To be free, in every way imaginable.

To perceive life in this way, I may have at last found some small measure of peace that I have seeked for so long.

A peace that all of us look for, and few of us ever find.

The most beautiful thing above all else is the soul. Don’t let it go to waste. The potential will always be there.

Sometimes, it just needs a little push.

I am the same decaying organic matter as you.

I travel through this town as a passerby. A nomad.

Little concerns me. I have no past nor future.

An eternal being, in every sense of the word.

Life is now the pitstop on the way to bliss.

The second to last stage in my metamorphosis.

I am not my body or my clothes.

Nor am I my car, my grades, or my money.

I am not what I say or what I do.

What I am, is a servant of God.

The One who has given me life.

Created me for a reason.

The instrument of the Ummah. The fiber. The strength. The dignity. The honor.

Whatever you have seen of me in the past, of now, and until the end of time, is not me.

I am inside. Awaiting rebirth.

The true potential will never expose itself, at least in this life.

I am simply playing my part until the appointed time.

An actor with his many faces.

A mere puppet. A piece in the chess game.

Few will understand, many will not care.

From here on, I am the change.

A year has gone by since the first awakening. Now it’s time to transform yet again.

Life has played its many tricks on me, but the tables have turned.

It’s time to play the role.

And failure is not an option.

Please help her in her time of need.

Please keep her in a positive state of mind.

Please keep her happy and overjoyed.

Please keep her away from the evil eye.

Please keep her thoughts away from what others think about her.

Please grant her a pious man so she may be married soon.

Please protect her from what is bad and what is evil.

Please keep her in good company.

Please let her feel that she is loved and cared for.

Please forgive her of anything she is not aware of.

Please protect her.

I’ve come to the realization that I can’t accept the fact that I’m going to have to wait until I get my degree to move any more forward in life.

My mind can’t process it.

I think it’s just the notion that everyone wants to be married, that we use that as our escape from reality.

Because let’s face it, reality really sucks. All your life ends up being is a 24/7 study zone, with no means of some kind of entertainment.

I can’t live with that.

I did like her, I really did. But, as always, it’s never mutual. How could it be?

Yeah yeah, focus in school, get a job, I’ve heard this a thousand times already, please don’t repeat it to me again.

People don’t really understand the different kinds of backgrounds a person could possibly come from before they decide to fully submit to Allah and leave their past.

I did my part, I asked Allah for what’s best, but in the end all it was, was a reality check.

Girls have a universal insecurity. They’ll never be ready for marriage, that’s just how they are. The thoughts come, what about all the other guys, how do I know this one is the right one, I don’t want to be hooked to someone yet, I want to enjoy my youth.

Guys struggle with the fitnah, and we gotta suck it up, we do. I’m not gonna put frosting on the cake. Life won’t be all fun and games, and you most likely will not get married early. You gotta suck it up. But most of us can’t accept that until a certain point. Either we get shot down earlier and snap back to reality, or we find out some other way.

I guess that’s where the genders clash.

What more do you have to enjoy from your “youth?” How many more guys do you “expect” to come knocking? What kind of “expectations” are you setting for prince charming?

It’s interesting when I actually hear and see some of the answers.

Yes, it’s good to have high expectations, but don’t let that be your minimum requirements. Nobody is perfect. That’s a fact, and you’re going to have to live with that. Even after you’re married you’ll come to the understanding that no matter how someone is on the exterior, until you live with them, you’ll really find out their downfalls and weaknesses, as well as their strengths.

All I’m saying is that when someone says they like you, they really actually DO like you. He picked YOU. Out of EVERYONE else. ALL those other girls, he picked YOU. He wants to marry YOU. Because he sees something different in YOU. Something that can help him. Help him.

Why the second guessing? Yes you have to do your research, that’s fine and dandy, but give the guy a chance.

I’m going to live a simple life. Apartment/house, decent money, decent job. Simple. If she doesn’t like that, then get the heck out of my way, Allah keep her in a galaxy far, far away from me.

Tayeb.

No regrets, if I could I’d do it all over again.

Maybe in a few years, no worries.

I’ve obviously gone off on a huge rant, so some of this stuff may not be as accurate as what I really believe, just trying to get these thoughts out of the head.

AllahuAlam, whatever is best.

She is with the sun
And it’s out here

But where are you…

Go on a journey
And roam the streets
Can’t see the way out
And so use the stars
She sits for eternity
And then climbs out

She’s the glowing sun
So come out
Please come out

I awake from a nightmare
My heart is beating
Out of control…

I’ve become so used to this craziness
That it’s now compulsory

And here you are…
I’m feeling…

And here you are,
Glowing sun…

Ever have those sudden urges in your life where you basically just want to stop everything?

Like, attain complete freedom in a sense.

It’s not that I don’t like the world or something, I just need my break time.

SubhanAllah life is always in fast forward mode now. There are really no breaks.

Wake up, no time for breakfast, drive, get to school, sit in class, study, pray, eat, class, drive, get back home in the evening, eat food, sleep.

Repeat.

Of course all the things like spending family time and talking with friends is implied.

There needs to be SOME time where you can just sit back and relax, like a mini-vacation.

Sadly, that’s not very possible anymore.

We’ll only really and truly be free once we pass the Day of Judgment. Insha’Allah we get Jannah.

With this lifestyle, people often get extremely stressed out, some go nearly on the verge of suicide, it’s that crazy.

There just has to be SOME time you have to take out for yourself, alone, to just think.

Contemplate, ponder, whatever you want to call it.

One way of doing this is not devoting all of your time to other things.

Sure it’s good to volunteer and such, but you gotta be moderate with your time or you’ll burn yourself out.

Kinda like what’s happening to me.

AlMaghrib is this week, it doesn’t even seem like that at all.

It’s also the week after this week.

There’s planning to be done. I have tests next week, e-mails I have to send out, fliers I gotta make, a MIST meeting I have to go to, studying I have to do, now they want me to head up a department at TDC, blah blah blah la la la la la.

It’s funny how they have the MAYO organization now, because I’m like, a member of every single organization a part of that group.

It kind of feels like I’m working two jobs again, though this is like, overdrive.

And then sleep comes into play. Gotta get sleep, gotta wake up for Fajr on time, gotta wake up for class on time.

I’m actually really dumb. I don’t know why I got myself to take early morning classes, I knew I would have had problems waking up for them.

Stupid.

Just so much to do, I gotta prioritize. A very hard thing to do when you got family on your back for every little thing as well.

I just have this mental block. I don’t know why. For some reason I don’t want to accept all the responsibilities at once.

Insha’Allah it gets better and I can focus more. Maybe some motivation or inspiration…

If only I got a clear cut answer…

Allah knows best.

Finishing school and getting a job is not the end of your life.

You don’t stop there.

Think big. And I mean BIG.

What would you want to do in life?

Is it helping people? Feeding the poor? Helping people get married? Becoming a renown speaker? Writing books? Making music? Painting? Creating things? Drawing?

What do you genuinely LIKE doing?

Would you do this even if you didn’t get paid for it?

Find out whatever that is, and plan to do something big with it.

We’ve been given so many resources, so many chances to do things.

Everything is so easy now. People in our shoes 50 years ago could not have imagined some of the things we can do now.

You can find the entire database of hadith online now, you don’t even have to pick up a book.

Find out what your talents are.

After you figure them out, think of what you could do to use them in a beneficial way for the Ummah.

If not for the Ummah then at least for the rest of the human race.

Think BIG. Take a piece of paper and write it all out when you have time.

There’s honestly nothing you can’t do, just remember to think big.

And don’t forget, your greatest enemy is closer than you think.

You’ve bewitched me.

An unending river of feelings, blossoming inside.

Within seconds, I was entranced.

The intensity of emotion. Overwhelming.

What was a casual glance became the flutter of a heart.

The endless depth in your eyes.

Nothing seems ordinary anymore.

I don’t understand what happened.

It is at this point irrelevant.

Anywhere I may go, there is peace amidst pandemonium.

Intoxication prevails.

Lost in the feverish alternate reality.

Desperately trying to hang on by a thread.

All that seems difficult is no more.

Because of you.

Complete the dream or awaken me in cold sweat from slumber.

The bond cannot be left, even willingly.

It cannot be broken, my attempts are useless.

You must know, surely, it is all for you.

My affections and wishes have not changed.

I’m asking you to end my agony.

One word from you will silence me forever.

I only wait in anticipation, for it is inevitable.

You’ve bewitched me, body and soul.

I’m so dumb, no wonder.

Allah gave me a sign, right there in front of me.

The irony of it is so funny.

I even saw it, saw it and ignored it, thought it didn’t really matter much. Today I went back through and saw it again, and just zoned out in disbelief.

How?

Man I’m stupid, it’s no wonder at the very last moment when I realized, everything started to happen once again.

Right when I realized I was wrong, and I corrected myself, everything fell back into place, subhan’Allah.

Put your trust in Allah, not how much du’a you make, or how much you contemplate, it’s in Allah’s Hands, He knows what you’re going to ask for before you even ask, He already KNOWS.

Don’t trust your du’as, trust Allah. Biggest mistake of my life.

It’s so amazing how we’re all interconnected.

I look at the world like the white room of the Matrix. Every single object and person being placed in specific areas for a specific time, specifically for me. Maybe everything’s a test, maybe some things aren’t.

But at the SAME TIME, this is happening for every single person in the world, right now.

The fact that you’re reading this just proves my point. My blog could be some kind of test for someone I don’t even know, who happens to randomly come here due to a search in Google.

Maybe they go away from this blog learning something new, or thinking in a different way.

Subhan’Allah, so crazy.

But alhamdulillah though, I found out in the best possible way that I was wrong. The very thing I made du’a for gave me the reminder. =)

So never, ever give up.

No matter how hard it may seem.

However down you may feel.

Even if things aren’t going the way you want them to.

Or if everything is just not turning out the way you wanted.

Allah is the best of planners. Always remember. Always keep your hope alive.

Always. He’s with you.

Why exactly is my blog even called the Anima? What the heck does that even mean?

I’ll just post a bit of the history that went behind into making my blog.

This post will probably get really philosophical, so I’m just warning you in case you don’t want to get confused out of your mind.

The Anima is basically the shadow self of a person.

The Anima (male), Animus (female), or, more simply, the Soul, is the route to communication with the collective unconscious.

The anima/animus represents our true selves, as opposed to the masks we wear every day and is the source of our creativity. It’s basically where all that inspiration within us comes from, you could even say it’s where the iman rush comes from as well.

Back in the day, I always questioned the existence of a higher being.

Raised in an environment full of athiests and agnostics, my own beliefs weren’t as solid as they should have been.

I began to question everything, I couldn’t take things from face value.

I remember taking walks at night, just thinking for hours, wondering what human beings were really created for.

We come from out of nowhere. Can you remember anything from when you were 1 or 2 years old?

Where were you before you were born?

And now you’re suddenly here, in the middle of nowhere on some blue planet, in the middle of NOWHERE in the universe.

What the heck is going on? It’s mind blowing, really.

Those were the kinds of thoughts that would go through my mind on a daily basis.

I was always a fan of Jungian theory, the idea that human beings are able to evolve and become something greater than what we are now.

The idea that we are able to transcend onto certain levels through concentration and meditation. Ideas that we can surpass goals and limitations by the sheer willpower of our concious and subconcious mind.

The human potential. That’s what Jung was all about.

The Anima resembled the state of my soul, and the transformation into what I wanted it to become.

Little did I know that I would be in for a crazy, spiritual awakening journey.

The past year of my life has probably been the best.

Long gone are the days of societal boundaries and brick walls.

I began to realize Islam was the key to understanding my role.

It was also the key to understanding why I was created.

Many people have certain goals, they may want to be doctors, lawyers, rockstars, engineers.

I always had some feeling that I had an important part to play. I still don’t know what it is exactly, but there’s some calling I’m meant for, and it’s not any of those.

It’s something on a massive scale. Something that will move and change the world. Something that will strike that inspiration into the hearts and souls of people.

Something…

I have to let the pieces fall where they may.

I’m meant for a higher purpose. I believe I have to prove myself worthy of existence to Allah (SWT).

I can’t tell you why I feel this way or why I believe this, it’s just a feeling. Something I can’t describe with words.

It’s my purpose. The reason for which I am alive.

To serve Allah (SWT) by any means necessary. It is this purpose which has brought my mind to this realization.

I feel there’s something bigger. Something I’m meant to do. An idea, a thought, something there, waiting for me to reach in and grab it.

It won’t necessarily be something that is heard about for generations. It most likely will never make it to the public square.

But it will make itself into the hearts of people, and that is where the reality of it all lies.

Ashes to ashes, from dust to dust.

I thank Allah (SWT) for bringing me back. Now it’s time to step through the shadow.

“In this life, some people are born like keys that move the world and exist having no connection to the social hierarchy established by man.” – Berserk

If you want to achieve anything in this life, please listen to me.

You need to make dua. I’m completely and utterly serious.

I don’t even understand how certain things are happening anymore.

I’ve tried and tried to replay it in my head, think of the reasoning, but I just can’t figure it out.

How is this stuff possible?

I’ll never be able to understand. Ever.

This is what you need to do.

I’ve already stated this before but I’m going to state it again because it’s this important.

You need to visualize your dua’s.

Anything you want in this life. Whether it’s that house or money or being able to go to the MAS Convention.

Anything.

You need to sincerely ask for it. While asking, see yourself being at that certain place or seeing this certain person.

It’s like you’re watching a movie of yourself.

What does this do? It helps you focus on your dua, because your senses and your feelings get attached to what you are saying.

It’s not just words anymore, you’re reliving the very dua you’re making. It jumps up your focus a lot more.

And Allah (SWT) knows if you really want something or if you’re just doing dua just to do it. He will answer or He won’t.

There isn’t a dua that goes to waste, you’ll either get what you want in this life or the next.

Sure it sounds kind of weird to do, but if it helps, use pictures you can find on Google or something. Anything that makes it easier for you to focus on what you want.

Also, be content with what you have. You have to understand that you need to THANK Allah (SWT) for everything He’s given you.

We ask for all these things, yet we never thank Allah (SWT) for the smallest things we have, and yet Allah (SWT) still grants us what we desire, subhan’Allah.

You need to be grateful, only then should you ask for what you want.

Try it. How can you know if you don’t even try. Have faith in this.

Think about it, if Allah willed, you would be dead right now. If Allah willed, our imaan would drop to zero right now. It is Allah who even holds our IMAAN in place so that we do not falter.

Nothing happens without the will of Allah. Nothing. Me typing this is only being allowed. If Allah willed, I wouldn’t even be able to type this out.

It doesn’t matter what statistics say, what calculations say, or what people believe your limits are.

Look at the faith of Hajjar (RA), she was left in the middle of nowhere and Ibrahim (Alayhisalaam) said he was doing it because it was a commandment from Allah.

You know what she said? She said, if this is true, then Allah will support us.

Do you think if you were placed in the desert in the middle of nowhere, your spouse who you love is leaving you with no reason, AND you have a crying, screaming baby who needs food and water desperately, do you think you would have had the same response as Hajjar (RA)?

For us males, I don’t know, those babies can really exhaust everything we have.

Subhan’Allah. How quickly we forget the blessings of Allah (SWT).

If you truly put your trust in Allah (SWT), insha’Allah you’ll see how much it helps. Keep asking, KEEP asking, NEVER stop asking, insha’Allah you will receive.

Allah LOVES the person who continuously asks him.

Allah also likes to delay the response because He loves His servants continuously depending on Him, AND He’s raising your level in Jannah.

Why would you not make du’a?

So on that note, PLEASE make du’a I’m able to volunteer at MAS this year =)

1.  You wake up and look at the person lying next to you and wonder, is this it? Forever?

I’ve always thought about this. When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy or girl, your soul mate, you’ll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he/she is, they don’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This isn’t what I signed up for.

Oh! But it is my love! You just didn’t realize it the day you were cramming wedding cake into each others faces! You had no idea that “for better and for worse” doesn’t kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That’s when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief.

2. You’ll probably work harder than you ever imagined.

Early on, when people tell me, “Marriage takes work,” I assume “work” means being patient when she forgot to make me coffee or something like that. In my naivete, I probably think that I’ll struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking.

If only it were that easy. Human beings are not simple creatures. We have mysterious, unplumbed depths, and from where your spouse sits, I’d say you’re pretty complicated too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned science or world geography. And getting married doesn’t mean you’re done, it just means you’ve advanced to graduate level studies. That’s because every time you think you’ve mastered the material, it’ll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

3. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

I think that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong, there is simply your way of looking at things and your spouse’s.

The more you get to know and appreciate your spouse for who he/she is, the more you respect their positions. That doesn’t mean you always agree with them. But there is a value in striking a balance that satisfies both partners. Instead of harping on how wrong your spouse is, you can try to swallow it up and just say, “I see your point” or “I hadn’t considered that.” After you sincerely acknowledge your spouse’s view, it seems to become easier for them to hear your own. And because you know you’re being heard, most of the time, you don’t even want to prove how right you are anymore. Funny how that works.

4. A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict, it means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

As important as it is to strike a balance, it’s also important to have a fight every now and then. Why do I say this? Because when you fight, you don’t just raise your voices, you raise real, and sometimes buried issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your spouse, and your relationship. The most important thing to understand is that no matter how much you fight, it will only make your marriage stronger. All you have to do is give it the room to grow.

5. You realize that you’ll only be able to change yourself.

We’ve all heard this one five million times but I can almost guarantee this will come up once more. There is a bit of that “makeover” fantasy in everyone. Just something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make them just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we’re doing the right thing.

Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. It is truly an impossible task. You will come to realize, sooner than later if you’re lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to your spouse rather than your past efforts

6. As you face your fears and insecurities, you’ll find out what you’re really made of.

Many of the deepest frustrations in marriage are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept, after all, it’s so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your spouse’s deficits and tell yourself that their short comings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage.

But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed marriage. You learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you learn to do so with your spouse.

That’s the strange beauty of marriage from my perspective. It’s definitely full of hard times and hard lessons that no book, person, or experience can ever prepare you for.

But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together and make your marriage stronger than when it began.

The only part is getting there. Insha’Allah.

Inspired to do so by Hasan Goplani and his Goplani babiez. If you want to see his list go to http://clearout.name

What’s on my mind?

This list:

I only exist for one reason

The Matrix Trilogy was a lot more understandable once my entire perspective of the world changed.

I need to get on with my life.

I hate being stuck in school, and yet, that’s the only place worth going to.

I need to read more.

I need to find out what my calling is.

I wish I could go live as a villager in Japan my whole life.

I don’t care about anything as much as I care about my next phase in life.

I need to walk the walk.

I miss working because of the paychecks.

I don’t care what people think, except for a very select group of individuals.

I am not a conformist.

I love life, and hate it as well.

I was born to die, but I haven’t prepared for it.

I have the feeling hundreds of tests are on the way.

I have the feeling people will be dying off very soon.

I don’t understand how people can leave Islam after knowing the absolute truth.

I need to read tafseer.

I need to get married.

I don’t need to be reminded that marriage is a huge responsibility.

I don’t need to be told that I’m not ready when I already know that I’m not ready.

I want to go to MAS.

I need to go to MAS.

The only thing I like to talk about is life, plans, goals, marriage, and anything concerning those categories.

I like my major.

Reading about psychology is actually really interesting.

I want to skydive.

I want to jump off of a cliff into water.

I want to be in that white room in the Matrix and bring up whatever I want.

I want to be honored by Allah.

I want to be an instrument for the Ummah.

If I ever reach “that” level, I don’t want to be called a sheykh, imam, or mufti.

I want to make Arabic my primary language.

I want to dabke. LOL.

I want to sing indian songs to my wife.

I want more baklawa.

I want more baklawa, LOL.

I want to learn to play piano.

I want to help the starving kids in Africa.

I want to help the people who need my help.

I want to tell people they are idiots.

I want to get rid of my distractions.

In an awkward situation, I want to ask myself one day, what would Tyler Durden do?

I want to go super sayian.

I want to knock someone out.

I want to get knocked out.

I want to see something that no one else can see.

I want to live a day being blind.

I want to live a day being deaf.

I want to live a day being mute.

I want to live a day as a hobo.

I want her to read this.

I laugh when people get mad because there really is no reason to be mad.

I want to slap myself for every time shaitan tricks me.

I’m content with whatever I have.

I really believe it’s a miracle from Allah that I didn’t go to any other University.

I find it weird how people are looking at my face and listening to my voice on YouTube when I’m probably sleeping.

I want to be in control of my dreams.

I want to live in a masjid for a while.

I want to have lots of kids.

I want her mind and soul to be the most beautiful thing about her.

I want to make a movie.

I want to be an actor, but the cons outweigh the pros.

I want to be a musician, but the cons also outweigh the pros.

I want to travel to Italy, Spain, Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Paraguay, Venezuela, Australia, Russia, Syria, Lebanon, Turkey, Japan, China, South Africa, Egypt, and Canada.

I want to re-enact that scene on Titanic at the edge of a huge cruise ship with my wife.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs in agony.

I want to lead salat in a filled masjid.

I want to wear those really tight clothes the sheykhs who lead salat wear.

I want to hug the Kabah.

I want to be free.

I could keep going, but I think I’ll stop here. =)

We’re all just stuck in our own little worlds going to sleep, waking up to the exact same day doing the same stupid thing over and over and over again.

Has anyone actually stopped and said, wait… why am I at school again? Why am I learning something I don’t want to do? What do I want to do with my life?

You go to school for 4 years, thinking you’re going to come out of college, get a job, get married, and have kids.

That’s your life in a nutshell. Is there nothing more?

Does no one think outside the box anymore?

What you should really be thinking is: How will I be pleasing Allah through all this time?

Does Allah really want us to wither away for years just wasting our lives? I think not.

Look at Shaykh Abdul Aziz Bin Baz, he didn’t even have a degree, and yet who is he? One of the most renown Islamic scholars in the world today.

If you want to become something, don’t think you can, know you can.

There’s no such things as limits. The only limit is yourself.

I recently found out my family was all about overcoming limits.

My grandfather was the first certified doctor in Karachi during his time. He graduated with the highest marks in everything and went on to study all over the world.

My father came to the United States with nothing but 200 dollars in his pocket. He worked two jobs and started from scratch, and now look where he is.

My family is about overcoming limits. Maybe this is why I think like this too, must be in the blood.

Don’t think, just do.

Thinking immediately gives shaitan the heads up. When you make up your mind, you make up your mind. That’s it. No further questions.

Just go for it.

The biggest mistake we make is not in planning, the biggest mistake is when we don’t take the first step.

Why don’t we do that?

Fear of what people may think, fear of ourselves, fear of failure, fear of rejection, etc.

When you take these factors out of consideration, you can be whatever you want, because you honestly just don’t care anymore.

Strive to be like that.

It’s tough, I’m not at that level either.

But we have to remember that it’s not about us in the end, it never was.

It’s about what you intended to do.

Did you want to make a difference or did you want to be popular?

Did you do something for Allah or do something for a girl you like?

Distractions, distractions, distractions.

Think of what you want to do with your life to please Allah.

If you don’t know, ask Allah to guide you to that which you would be best at doing.

I want to write a book to help the Ummah try and understand what we have to get back to. We’ve lost sight of the core ideals of being a Muslim, as well as the foundation of the articles of faith.

In that same sense, I’d want to write a book for non-Muslims as well, completely from their perspective, as to how to live their lives in the most peaceful way they can.

More like self-help kinda stuff. Because honestly look at the world without Islam, and then look at this small minority at UH.

Who do you think leads much better lives? Us or them?

Someone needs to save those people from killing themselves.

I need to learn Arabic. I’m in the process of that right now but it’s really not going to work unless I’m trapped in a society where no one speaks English. I need implementation. That’s a life long goal as well so it doesn’t have a big role right now.

After that, becoming hafidh before I die, that way I’d spend my entire life memorizing Qur’an instead of just a few years, so when Allah asks me what I did with my life, I could answer that I memorized the Holy words of the Qur’an for the majority of it.

Helping people with their lives. I’ve noticed for some reason, people just like to talk to me about their problems. I don’t know what it is or why it happens, but I guess that’s just some random trait that was put into me, might as well make the most out of it.

I wouldn’t mind being a motivational speaker either, though I feel much more comfortable with talking with a few people rather than a mass majority. Speaking isn’t my strong point, but insha’Allah if Allah wills, that’d be cool too.

It’s interesting to see how most of these things all have to do with helping people. Then I guess that’s what I should be striving to do. Now I just have to figure out where to start.

Oh, and also finding the woman who can help me do these things. What is the point of marrying someone who won’t be able to literally ease the path of doing some of these things? Makes you think in a whole other perspective. Sure you may like some girl or some guy, but in the end, are they going to be helping you accomplish what you want in life? Then ask yourself why you really like them in the first place.

That’s a mindfrack.

This is it. It doesn’t matter what people think you’ve gone through, what kind of person you are, or even if people think you’re the worst person alive. What matters is what you believe in your heart that will please Allah.

If it’s not in your heart, then you have all the reason to worry.

The fact is, many of the people who criticize you will be criticized themselves on the Day of Judgment for, believe it or not, talking about you. So don’t let bad blood get between you and what you know yourself to be.

Being criticized is a sign of caring. People wouldn’t talk about you if they didn’t care in the least bit, people have many more things to talk about.

Look at it more as a chance to grow rather than something to bring you down.

Look at the world through the Islamic sunglasses. A vision of absolutely nothing. Plain Earth everywhere. Nothing to be remained except our own selves, naked. Skyscrapers, gone. Mountains, gone. Fields, grass, trees, gone.

This is the reality you must come to accept, but to do so fully, means to let go of what your mind has held you to accept based on societal values.

Overcome yourself. Never let anybody tell you that you can’t do something or be somebody. If you end up believing them, you’ve destroyed all the potential you once hoped to use.

You’ve got to let it all go.

Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.

Trust in Allah.

Everywhere I go, I see you.

Am I dreaming or not?

Every situation, every instance, you cross the boundaries of what is real.

Your existence is taking up headspace.

I look at my mother and you’re talking with her, laughing.

I look to my side while driving and there you are, singing some random song which makes me smile.

I’m sitting down to eat my food and there you are next to me, complaining about desi food being so spicy.

I’m reading a book and you’re leaning on me, telling me not to turn the page until you’re done.

I’m sitting there after prayer, and I can feel your presence behind me.

You love indian movies and try to repeat the dialogue, and I laugh at every word while you punch me in the shoulder.

You love to talk about anything and everything, and I just sit back to watch you go at it.

Is this what it would be like?

Is this what you have to offer me?

Two souls, never having met, just like that?

Keep my mind occupied, I love every second.

You’re there but you’re not.

A projection only my mind has succeeded in bringing to life.

Anywhere I go, you’re with me, but you’re not.

A blessing or a curse, no matter, I’m content.

There you are, the happiest, most enthusiastic person I’ve ever met, but haven’t.

How you got here, I don’t know.

How you infiltrated my mind, I don’t know.

How you infiltrated my life, I don’t know.

What would you do if you ever found out it was you?

Would you be scared? Afraid? Weirded out how someone likes you this much, and yet you’ve never actually talked with them?

I haven’t felt like this in ages, maybe never in my life.

What is this?

How Allah could create such beauty inside one person, I don’t know.

But you make me smile, somehow.

=)